I don’t want to let you down, but I’m hell-bound.
i always think about prague. in the best of times, and the worst of times. i hope time is nonlinear, so that in the middle of this time, those good times are still going on.
but it’s warmer here now and time moves forward and i’m flying blind and afraid of so many things, but nothing. it’s pushing back on me and anyone who knows me knows how tired i am.
and they also know that i push back, all the time.
O stars, isn’t it from you that the lover’s desire for the face of his beloved arises? Doesn’t his secret insight into her pure features come from the pure constellations?
Is it my fault that the falling embers burn down in a spiral around your crown of faith?
if i still believe in tenderness.
if i still believe in goodness.
if i still believe that kindness could be triggered without tears.
if i still believe that friendship is unconditional and transcended petty things like time and patience.
if i still believe that love could be nurtured and nurturing.
if i still believe in love.
if i still believe in the things that keep us suspended, like waiting, surrendering control.
if i still believe in reciprocity.
if i still believe in the person i was, the eyes looking back in a red-lit mirror.
if i still believe in the world spinning while i’m looking up at it, out of it, thoroughly, momentarily, irrelevant to it.
if i still believe that in april or may when the weather gets warmer, i’ll peel the hard skin i have on that i’ve never had before and still be the same, still be the person i promised myself i would be when i left prague and waded knee-deep into this shitty place i swear up and down i love, i must be crazy, i must be fucking crazy.
Maybe sometimes we don’t do the right thing because the wrong thing looks more dangerous, and we don’t want to look scared, so we go and do the wrong thing just because it’s dangerous. We’re more concerned with not looking scared than with judging right.
fuck me like you fucked me when you didn’t have to try.
You have to do what you can’t not do.
Only those deprived of freedom have the barest inkling of what it is.